Nov17-28 daily notes updated

This will be updated after each visit with Steffi and I will keep it up until she gets home. It is in backward order, so the newest news is first.

Tuesday28- Went to group therapy and learned all about Steffi and bipolar. Talked with the therapist about living with the disease and living with addictions. Steffi signed a contract that she won't cut herself. She has ways to ask for help and all lines of communication are wide open. We are going to start journal notebooks which the therapist says she does with her own daughters. We will do them with Nick too. I used to do one with Jessica after she would come home from school. The hospital didn't give us back half the stuff we took to Steffi while she was there. But they did give us her and leaving was a joy!!! First stop McDonald's of course. Later we ate dinner at McDonald's then walked around the mall.

Monday27- Terry sent me an email. We have group therapy tomorrow at 3. At lunch he said maybe Steffi will come home with us after. Steffi said she filled out her discharge paperwork, she will be released Tuesday. YIPPEE!! I wonder why Jessica never went to visit Steffi unless we took her?

Sunday 26- Hey maybe there's a light at the end of the tunnel, Steffi might get released Tuesday. Our 45 minute visit went too fast today. Steffi really wants to come home. She said she slept really good last night and woke up once to go to the bathroom and fell asleep easy. That's a relief, it's so hard for her to fall asleep. We went to the grocery store today and bought lots of goodies for her to eat when she gets home. Gotta work on getting her to eat healthy, well getting all of us to eat healthy. So keep your fingers crossed that Steffi will get to come home soon.

Saturday 25- They have switched Steffi's medicine to Seroquel. I found a quite interesting site online last night which offers help and support for family members. There are helpful printouts to track moods and follow a healthy lifestyle which is something I asked the doctor about earlier. I asked should we keep a journal of her moods to discuss with him and he said yes, she and we should keep separate diaries about how bipolar affects her. This will help us find trends. http://www.seroquel.com/
It was lovely to spend time with Steffi, 45 minutes a day is killing me though. I like having the kids around me and since Jessica has moved out I am feeling lost. I think I may be following Nick around a bit too much, he seems smoothered.
Steffi has given all the girls sign names, I only remember Hannah's. There's a boy Hannah likes but I don't remember his name. Steffi actually pointed out that Hannah was signing to her parents while we were there. Steffi said there's a young deaf boy somewhere in the center, too. Steffi said they cannot do the test for brain tumors at this hospital.
I told Steffi that right before we came to visit her I started doing a happy dance and her dog Kookie (pronounced cookie) joined me and we were dancing about and then Dad joined us, and then Nick and then his dog Shelley. We were all happy to go visit Steffi. Midget and Penny were in their crates already. It's for their own protection, Midget gets separation anxiety and tears the house apart. Penny just tears the house apart naturally. Well Steffi you know the world is tilted her cause Dad sorted socks and no one even asked him.
I want to know if the place where we sit during visiting has CO2 problems, cause every time we visit I leave with a nasty little headache and I spend the 45 minutes yawning and complaining I can't breathe. I thought it was stress but maybe it's carbon monoxide. On Thanksgiving when we spent 1 1/2 hours with Steffi I had the hugest migraine headache. I commented the air felt different in the room this visit, I didn't yawn once and no headache after we left. There is construction going on around the place, I wonder if a vent was blocked.
I finished another bliss hat tonight and worked on the scarf for Paige, it's almost finished. I knitted a Christmas bell too. I'm ok with simple patterns where I don't have to concentrate too hard.

Friday 24-Geodon knocked Steffi loopy and she slept so hard she had an accident in bed. I can't help but feel that next they'll be tying her to a wheelchair and parking her by a window. I really do not want her on this medicine. Terry and I are a little divided on medicine. I am medicined out and don't really approve of it. But I am torn that I want Steffi to heal and medicine did help me heal, I just 'outgrew' medicine.
We took Casey with us to visit tonight, Steffi was really happy and I must say it was like old times watching the two of them heads together talking about boys. Casey is moving in with an aunt. I cried inside when Steffi said all the girls there wish I could be their mom. I worked on the scarf for Steffi's friend Paige and finished another bliss hat for Amy. I miss you Steffi.

Thursday 23-We are allowed to eat lunch with Steffi at the hospital. Jessica went with us, so we are all together for Thanksgiving. I dreamt all night that I want Steffi checked for brain tumors. I am hoping Terry will call her doctor. He doesn't like playing phone tag. We had a nice visit at 5:30pm also. Steffi has made up a group cheer. Some of her group's girl's parents cannot come visit them. Here we go, Steffi with her empathy, she worries about everyone else.

Wednesday 22-Zoloft didn't help, she has too many bipolar symptoms, they are putting her on Geodon. Look that one up, it's a nasty medicine. We picked Jessi up and took her with us for the 45 minute nightly visit. Steffi is adapting to Brentwood, she seems to be enjoying it. She complains she can't sleep at night. Every time they switch her medicine she has to stay for 3 more days. She wants McDonald's as her first meal. Obviously we are postponing Thanksgiving dinner. Steffi talks about the people who are there. They aren't allowed to go outside. She gets in trouble for dancing.

Tuesday 21-a busy day. Group family counseling. This was horrible. Terry was supposed to sign to me but he couldn't sign and talk at the same time. I missed 90% of the conversation including a big blow up Steffi had with Terry. Steffi is furious and sitting on her hands. Terry is yelling back at Steffi who is yelling at him. Nick is starting to look shell shocked. I finally can take it no longer. I hold Steffi's arm, tell her I love her and leave the room. I am pretty broken hearted. That night during visitation Steffi gives us each an apology letter. I'm starting to think now that the counselor provoked this fight so they could work with the anger. The doctor said they are putting her on Zoloft. Today was Terry and my 14 anniversary.

Monday 20-During visiting time Steffi says the doctor thinks she is bipolar. She is getting a lot of counseling. We hug a lot. We put the chairs in a circle so it's easier to talk. I finally fed all the animals and cleaned cages. I am eating one meal a day cause Terry forces me. Nights are horrible. I can't concentrate, so using the computer is out and knitting is out.

Sunday 19-Steffi is adjusting. During out 45 minute visit she tells us she has seen a lot of counselors, she is learning coping techniques. She's looking forward to coming home but she understands she might stay longer.

Saturday 18-Steffi was frantic, rehab is like jail, it's like basic training, they are allowed no comfort. She wanted to come home. She sat in our laps and cried for 45 minutes. She was terrified. I was frantic. We signed a paper stating our intent to remove her. We were told it's a 72 hour wait and even then the doctor could commit her. Our 45 minutes are up and we must leave. So starts my refusing to eat, feed the animals, sleep or use the computer. I start cleaning Steffi's room, it's the only way I can cope.

Friday 17-Steffi had an appointment with a counselor. In the morning before she left for school I rubbed lotion on her elbows. That's about all I remember. The following week is a blur. Friday I knew she had the appointment with the counselor and Terry took her. I didn't get to go cause dealing with signing to me was out of the question. At 4pm Terry didn't bring Steffi home from school. Nor did he call. In fact he didn't get home until 8pm and without Steffi. He told me Steffi had volunteered to enter rehab because she refused to sign a paper stating she would stop cutting herself. I was fairly frantic. Nick and I were sitting on his bed. I could not process the news. We couldn't see her til Saturday from 5:30pm and that would be only for 45 minutes.